There are so many ups and downs to depression. I've been making a point not to write when I'm feeling very down. I don't like to dump negative energy out into the world. We don't need anymore of that! But this really translates into not writing much of anything at all. Or writing entries and then deleting them before they get published.
I have been dealing with a really strong episode lately. I suppose that's what it is, clinically, an episode. I think the biggest red flag that went up is my need for 10+ hours of sleep. I wake up periodically during the night, sometimes early in the morning and can't get back to sleep. Then I go back to sleep eventually, wake up feeling groggy, then usually have to nap during the day. If you counted up the hours I'd probably average about 12 or so. I used to be able to get up and get moving around and wake up better that way, but this tiredness continues during the day. Today I had to go home and skip my afternoon class because I simply couldn't stay awake. I came home and slept for 2 hours despite getting 9 hours of sleep last night.
Inside, I feel quiet. It's not the calm quiet that you strive for in yoga. I just feel blank.
Things got so bad last month I had to go back to my doctor. That was really the only thing I could do. So I've been taking a new medication called Cymbalta. It's expensive, but I guess it's worth a try. Today is perhaps the worst day I've had in a month so maybe that's progress.
I was mixed about going back on it, but it got to the point where it became clear that it was necessary. My husband supported me and told me it was okay.
I don't know how I feel about being on medication for the rest of my life. I don't know what happens when I want to have children or need to breastfeed. I'm not sure if this means I'm never going to be able to function without it. Maybe things will balance out later in life. I'm not really sure.
But, anyway, that's where I am lately, in all honesty.
Photo Wednesday: Looking Back
1 hour ago
4 comments:
I am sorry to hear you are struggling. I think the important thing is to take it one day at a time. Even if it is what you need to do for now, you may not be on it for life and when/if you decide to have kids/breastfeed I have heard of women whose doctors help them work around meds.
Hey, that group of chileans we got together with on the 18th is going to watch the next Chile world cup classifier game if you and your husband are up for it (oct. 10th, in the evening, not sure what time)
I too am sorry to hear you have been having a hard time. We do miss you here in the blogosphere! I know it is probably hard to accept the fact that you need to take medication, but it is ok. I mean, just think about how much better you were feeling before getting off your meds--or at least it came through on your blog that you were feeling a ton better. You deserve to feel good and you can't help the fact you have depression. I agree with Annje, don't worry about having to take it for life or when you have kids....cross that bridge when it comes. Who knows what sort of advancements will be made regarding depression or perhaps things will just naturally change for you and you won't need the medication any more.
Best of luck with everything! I hope you start feeling better!
I'm glad you were able to take the steps you needed to in order to start feeling better again. I agree with what the other people have said - you may have to be on some kind of medication for life or you may not, but that's something you'll only know in time. People are on medication for all sorts of things, and depression is a medical condition just like high blood pressure or diabetes. Here's to your continued recovery.
Thanks, guys, for the kind comments. I'm doing so much better after some med tweaking.
Taking it one day at a time!
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