There are so many ups and downs to depression. I've been making a point not to write when I'm feeling very down. I don't like to dump negative energy out into the world. We don't need anymore of that! But this really translates into not writing much of anything at all. Or writing entries and then deleting them before they get published.
I have been dealing with a really strong episode lately. I suppose that's what it is, clinically, an episode. I think the biggest red flag that went up is my need for 10+ hours of sleep. I wake up periodically during the night, sometimes early in the morning and can't get back to sleep. Then I go back to sleep eventually, wake up feeling groggy, then usually have to nap during the day. If you counted up the hours I'd probably average about 12 or so. I used to be able to get up and get moving around and wake up better that way, but this tiredness continues during the day. Today I had to go home and skip my afternoon class because I simply couldn't stay awake. I came home and slept for 2 hours despite getting 9 hours of sleep last night.
Inside, I feel quiet. It's not the calm quiet that you strive for in yoga. I just feel blank.
Things got so bad last month I had to go back to my doctor. That was really the only thing I could do. So I've been taking a new medication called Cymbalta. It's expensive, but I guess it's worth a try. Today is perhaps the worst day I've had in a month so maybe that's progress.
I was mixed about going back on it, but it got to the point where it became clear that it was necessary. My husband supported me and told me it was okay.
I don't know how I feel about being on medication for the rest of my life. I don't know what happens when I want to have children or need to breastfeed. I'm not sure if this means I'm never going to be able to function without it. Maybe things will balance out later in life. I'm not really sure.
But, anyway, that's where I am lately, in all honesty.
Photo Wednesday: Sunny Castle in Berat
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