Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

More and more I feel like this is turning into a mental health blog. But that's okay. I think it's really important. I have found so much solace in Therese J. Borchard's blog called, "Beyond Blue." And the truth is that I'm interested in this stuff. I'm especially interested in helping people with Trichotillomania. So much, that I'm actually considering getting an MSW.

But that's an aside. The purpose of this entry is to talk about something that a lot of people might not think about.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Shell shock. When I first think about this disorder I remember the book "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien. A bloody good book (no pun intended) about the Vietnam War. Or I think about the Ernest Hemingway short story called "The Big Two-Hearted River" which is an absolutely brilliant story which also approaches the topic. But the most common thing we think about is war veterans. So I never even considered the thought that civilians could experience PTSD, or at least civilians who haven't had experiences with violent crime or disasters.

But the truth is that PTSD is a lot more general than you really could know. If you had asked me, before two days ago, if I've ever had it I would have said, "Absolutely not."

Although crazy at times, knowing I have anxiety issues, a past of pulling out my hair and an awful genetic predisposition to depression, I am a fully functional person. I actually consider myself to be quite normal. I have issues--who doesn't? Maybe I just talk about it a little more freely than I should. A functional person, with no horrible, truly traumatic experiences, or so I thought.

Yet, due to the almost 2 hour evaluation that I had in relation to my ADHD testing (which came up negative) I happened to be speaking to a psychologist who has special training in PTSD, who happened to have completed research at the National Center for PTSD.

And after relating my history and responding to his questions for nearly an hour, in addition to diagnoses that didn't surprise me (since I already knew I had them, i.e. Generalized Anxiety and accompanying depression) he informed me at the end that I appeared to have suffered from (and am still suffering from, in some regards) a classic case of PTSD.

I don't really want to describe the situation which caused this out of love and respect for the parties involved. But this quote from the book The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (so cliché, I know) really sort of sums it up. (Note, it's kind of morbid so if you get easily disturbed, skip the italics):

"It was like the first time I saw a cadaver. For weeks afterward, the cadaver's head--or what was left of it--floated up behind my eggs and bacon at breakfast and behind the the face of Buddy Willard, who was responsible for my seeing it in the first place, and pretty soon I felt as though I were carrying that cadaver's head around with me on a string, like some black, noseless balloon stinking of vinegar."

For me, that's the best description I've come across to explain what that felt like after the initial shock and horror has worn off and the weeks go by and everyone else in your position seems to be moving forward. These intrusive thoughts and images follow you around in your day and it's like no matter what you're doing you just can't shake it. Weeks turn into months. Months into years. It's follows you into your dreams, sneaks into your reactions and your happiness. I woke up and went to bed every single day to the thoughts of the event. Once I even questioned, "Will I ever reach the day when I can finally forget?"

When I had PTSD I was 11. I finally moved on from it when I was 14 or 15. It caused me to go through a lot of thought processes that normal 11 year olds don't experience. Today, I'm 25 and it took me 14 years and 3 psych evals to figure out what it was.

PTSD doesn't just happen to soldiers or people who have experienced massive disasters. My event was something horrific, but within the confines of what you'd find in the daily news report (but of course on a much more personal level). One person might not experience the same reaction to the same event. We're not all wired the same way. And how an adult might process information is not the same as a child.

I had no idea that these things were still affecting me until the psychologist mentioned the content of frequent and reoccurring nightmares. I guess that if things don't get resolved, they still operate deep down in the subconscious.

That's why it's not silly, and you're not weak, if you suspect that you perhaps have, or had PTSD at one point. I just think that perhaps we don't automatically equate it with its true symptoms. And I really think it's important to work through these issues so you don't have to carry them around on a string, with you, for the rest of your life. Obviously, events shape us and form us, for better or for worse, but you don't have to support the weight or burden on your own. It's okay if you need help cutting that string.

And you might not even realize you have one, cause I sure didn't.